yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
