I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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