It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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