I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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