Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize