i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
And then my night got REAL pukey
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
