Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
