Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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