i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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