We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
