The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
