Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Randomize
