I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
