just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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