I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
