so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
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