The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Do you have feelings for this penis?
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