You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
and you fell through a lawn chair
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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