Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
