Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I wish you could order shots online.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
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Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
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I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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