I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
