do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
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I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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