Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
