All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
