man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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