Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
