His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
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