did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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