I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
