is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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