I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
NoShamevember. You game?
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
