i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
