I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
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