I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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