I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Randomize
