That's intense
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize