I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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