I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Randomize
