I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
