you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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