I wish I could punch you in the face.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
