Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
