First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Randomize
