I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
In other news, I just burned my penis
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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