you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
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