we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
tequila makes me forget i have legs
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
