The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Semen is not good for contacts.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
