great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
