I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
