I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
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