this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
