I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
