I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
