I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
