I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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