I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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