i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Randomize
